I’m not sure that what I have qualifies as insomnia. But, I DO know that my sleep schedule is completely screwed up. As you will see when I post this blog entry, it is way past the normal “go to sleep” time for people. In fact, in other time zones, some people are waking up to start their day right now. In MY time zone my dad gets up around this time because his drive to work takes him an hour and he starts work really early. (Lucky him — he’s on vacation this week).
I’m not sure why I can’t sleep. Maybe I’m nervous about year four. Maybe I have just got on a bad sleep schedule. I thought back to my day…I got out of bed at noon (yeah, that’s late, but…even with that, I used to be able to go to bed at 1 am & fall asleep) and didn’t have any caffeine after 4pm. I wish I knew what was going on. A few years ago I had really severe sleep problems. Those problems were because my boyfriend at the time moved to AZ. When he moved, I realized I hadn’t slept in my (still newish) apartment alone yet (I moved in, in July…he moved away in October). Our relationship was great while he was here — it floundered and sputtered when he moved. My doctor put me on Ambien. For the most part, I loved it. It was fantastic and worked really well for me. I just got worried that I needed it too much.
Yet…every summer I go through the same thing. I screw up my sleep schedule & act like I’m some college kid. I stay up late & get up late. I’ve never had trouble sleeping in in the morning. This summer has been the worst though. I go to bed and I just lie there. I can’t get my brain to shut off. Right now, I’m only sort of tired. (It doesn’t help that I’m worried the A/C in my apartment is dying — it sounds so loud, like it will rocket out of the wall. FREAKY!). Last night I just lie there, then I put on some relaxing music. However, the relaxing music triggered something in me (I don’t feel like going into the details) and I started to freak out & cry. (not related to the ex-boyfriend, trust me).
I hate not being able to sleep. I LOVE sleep. Sleep is wonderful. Sleep makes me happy. Sleeping is one of my favorite things to do. But right now, sleep is what I cannot have. I don’t want to have to call my doctor, but…maybe there’s just too much in my brain right now in my life. Maybe I have to have ambien again. It certainly was magical. I just don’t like the idea of being reliant on something to help me sleep. However, the tylenol pm just isn’t cutting it anymore. And, I can’t not sleep. Not sleeping will be…well, apparently you can die if you don’t sleep. I’m not up for that.
So, maybe I’ll call my doctor tomorrow. Crap. I mean…today. The sun will be up soon. My alarm is set for 9:30. I wonder when I’ll stop hitting snooze & get up?…
I do have to take the recycling to the recycling place…and move all my magazines to school and…
See…see what it’s like in my head? Geez.